Naked Patrol

Daniel dropped his dusty knapsack on the floor by his desk, grimacing at the pile of folders on his desk and the blinking light on the phone. The joy of vacation was really the coming home - or back to work in this case - and seeing how much of a mess he left the place.

The blinking light on the phone was really starting to annoy him so he hit the button and started to listen to his messages as he unpacked his knapsack, putting his newest treasures on shelves.

"Dr. Jackson, I need you to look at a report…"

"Dr. Jackson, when you have a chance we need you to come fill out…"

"Dr. Jackson, this is Senator Kinsey…"

Daniel immediately erased that message and shuddered. General Hammond would tell him if Kinsey's call was important when the team got together for the first mission briefing post-vacation. He was adjusting a stone statue of a Mayan warrior to make room for one of Kasuf's gifts and listening to a long, rambling message from Nyan when Sam poked her head into the room.

"You are back," Sam said happily. She hurried over and wrapped her arms around Daniel in a warm hug. "I heard the 'Gate go off, but I was busy up in my lab."

"I've only been back for a few minutes," said Daniel, letting her go. He smiled at her warmly. "You look good. Tanned."

"We had a great vacation," Sam sat down in Daniel's desk chair, spinning slowly as she watched Daniel. "You haven't lived until you've seen Teal'c on the Tower of Terror."

Daniel picked up one of the folders, flipping through it, "Did he bring back mouse ears?"

"Oh yeah," Sam snickered, leaning forward. "Hey, what's this?"

"What's what?" asked Daniel already distracted by the contents of the folder. SG-11 had gone on a mission to a world that seemed to resemble Athens right before the fall of the Greek empire.

"This comic," Sam pulled it from his monitor. "It was taped to your computer." She read it and began to snicker. "It sounds like some of our missions."

"Let me see." Daniel took the comic from her and read it to himself.

"O…kay," Daniel read the comic again. "I've never heard of this strip before."

"I wonder who put it here," Sam took it from him and looked at the printing again. "I think it was printed off a computer."

"It does have a web address on it," Daniel pointed at the right corner. "Probably just someone's idea of a joke."

"Who has a key to your office?" asked Sam, taping it back onto Daniel's monitor.

"Everyone," Daniel sighed. "I can't really lock my office because my assistants always need access. It's a pain, but it is easier than getting up when they call me in the middle of the night."

"Yeah," Sam agreed, starting to spin the chair again. "I do the same thing with my office. I think the Colonel is the only one who really gets to lock his office. And Teal'c of course since his office is his home."

"Speaking of Jack," Daniel went back to flipping through the folder. "Is he back from Minnesota?"

"I haven't seen him yet," Sam stopped spinning and turned on Daniel's computer, putting the comic on his desk. "I have to show you what I did last night. What's your password again?"

"Xiphias. X-I-P-H-I-A-S. What time are we meeting with Hammond tomorrow?"

"0900. What's xiphias?"

"It's Latin for sword-fish. I was hungry when I had to change my password."

Sam chuckled and began to type quickly. She opened up a file and sat back, "Check it out."

Daniel set aside the file and leaned over the chair to take a look at the spreadsheet Sam had opened. He squinted and pushed his glasses up, "Is that what I think it is?"

"If you think it's a spreadsheet for my entire CD collection alphabetized and further organized by release date, you're right," Sam said smugly. "I'm thinking of starting one for my books."

"Sam," Daniel turned the chair around so he was looking her in the eye, "I mean this in the nicest way because I love you and everything, but you need to get laid."

Sam snorted, "Oh yeah, look who's talking, Mr. I-Only-Date-When-A-Woman-Throws-Herself-At-Me."

"DanielJackson!"

Daniel looked at Teal'c and smiled widely. Saved by a Jaffa wearing mouse ears, "Teal'c. Glad to see you."

"It is good to see you as well, DanielJackson," Teal'c inclined his head slightly, the ears bouncing at the movement. "I have brought you a present from the Happiest Place on Earth."

"Sam told you about the long-time tradition of bringing people cheap gifts from the places you visit without them?"

"She did. She also told me that it is my duty to ensure that you wear the item I have purchased for you."

Daniel shot Sam a death glare. She had the good grace to hide behind the monitor. Teal'c produced a colorfully wrapped package, offering it to Daniel.

"Thank you," he said politely as internally he prayed Teal'c hadn't bought him mouse ears or a T-shirt with Goofy plastered across the front. He tore the paper away and blinked in confusion. "Uh. Teal'c, I think this shirt is for a girl."

From behind the monitor, he heard a snicker from Sam which meant that it was for a girl and she thought it would be funny for Teal'c to give it to him. However, Teal'c was giving him a hurt look so Daniel pulled the T-shirt with Cinderella on the front out and held it up in front of himself.

"It looks like it'll fit," Sam said helpfully. "Try it on, Daniel."

"I'll try it on later. I stink of yak and I would hate to have the T-shirt smell like that," Daniel carefully folded the shirt back up and set it on his desk. "It's wonderful, Teal'c. Thank you."

"You are welcome," Teal'c smiled. "I purchased a shirt for O'Neill with a woman named Snow White on it. I am going to go find him now."

"That's a good idea. I'm sure Jack will love whatever you got him."

"As do I." Teal'c nodded once more before walking out of Daniel's office and leaving Daniel alone with Sam.

"You encouraged him, didn't you?"

Sam looked at him as innocently as possible, "He picked out his gifts all by himself. All I did was suggest sizes. You should be glad that I convinced him you wouldn't want a tank top."

Daniel narrowed his eyes, "What did he get you?"

"A Buzz Lightyear bathing suit," Sam sighed. "He wanted me to wear it on the water slides. I didn't even know they made adult bathing suits with cartoon characters on them."

"So," Daniel smirked at her, leaning against the desk. "Are you going to try on your bathing suit and model it for me?"

"Not if my life depended on." Sam looked back at the monitor, "Do you think Phil Collins's soundtrack for Tarzan should be filed under soundtracks or Phil Collins?"

"Why do you even have to ask that question?"

Sam looked up at him, her eyes wide. "What do you mean?"

"I'm going to your house and I'm going to throw out all the Phil Collins you own. Really, it's for your own good."

Daniel stretched his arms above his head and yawned widely, his jaw cracking in the process. He rubbed it ruefully with one hand and looked over at Sam sleepily. She just yawned in return and handed him a rifle.

"It's been quiet so far, but I'm attributing that to the proximity sensors," Sam moved to sit next to him on the log. "Do a perimeter check every fifteen minutes. There's some funky creatures out there."

"Great," Daniel unpacked his journal and set it on the log next to him. He had some translations to work on in between the perimeter checks. "I love it when there are funky creatures hiding in forests."

Sam elbowed him and picked up a scrap of paper that had fallen out of Daniel's bag. She handed it back to him, "You dropped this."

"Oh, thanks," Daniel said absently as he opened it. He blinked in surprise. "It's another one of those comic strips."

"Let me see," Sam snatched it away from him. "Okay, now that sounds like the Colonel when he's on vacation. Personally, I think he just goes to that cabin and sleeps for however long we're off. You don't think he's leaving them, do you?"

"No way. " Daniel looked at it again. It actually did sound a lot like Jack when he was in "don't bother me" mode, but Jack wasn't great at keeping secrets. Daniel would know if this was Jack's doing.

"Doesn't he have an recliner?"

"Yeah," Daniel folded the comic strip and put it in his journal. The other one was there as well. "When I was staying with him, he would fall asleep in it all the time. I think he actually likes sleeping in the thing."

"I love it and if I could be sleeping in it now, I would be." Jack said from the tent he shared with Daniel. "Now would the two of you please shut the hell up so the rest of us can get some sleep."

"I am not sleeping, O'Neill." Teal'c's voice carried through the air from the other tent.

"Thank you, Teal'c," Jack said sarcastically. "I was trying to make a point so that the Chatty Cathies out there would shut up so I can get some sleep."

"I'm going to bed now anyway," Sam said, standing up. She stretched her arms above her head and ruffled Daniel's short hair. "See you in the morning, Daniel."

"Sleep well, Sam," Daniel looked over at Jack who had his head stuck out of the tent and a deep scowl on his face. "Go to sleep, Jack. I've got it taken care of."

"Go patrol the perimeter, Cinderella."

Daniel felt his cheeks warm at the nickname and grabbed the rifle. "Yes, Snow White." He mock-saluted Jack and turned his back to him.

Jack grinned and shut the tent. From across the way, Daniel could hear Teal'c asking what a 'Chatty Cathy' was and Sam's response. As he walked away from the fire, her voice faded away and Daniel was left with his own thoughts.

For some reason, he kept thinking about those comic strips. This was the fourth one he had found since he got back from vacation. Someone was obviously putting them where he would find them. Maybe it was time for him to turn Sam loose. She had a way of finding information out without having to try very hard.

She just asked Janet.

Daniel laughed and set the comic aside. This one was definitely one of the funnier ones he'd received. Sam called whoever was sending them his secret admirer. Personally, Daniel was a little concerned that he had a secret admirer sending him comics like these. He had no desire to spank anyone with a hand puppet.

"Hey, buddy," Jack said as he sat down in the chair opposite from Daniel. "Whatcha doing?"

"Working on a report."

"Ah, the fascinating life of the civilian archeologist working for the Air Force," Jack leaned forward to pick up one of the artifacts littering Daniel's desk. "Why do you have a statue of a prick on your desk?"

"It's an African fertility statue. And it is a prick as you so tactfully put it, but it's also a work of art."

"I have no tact." Jack turned the statue upside-down and peered at the base. "So how wide is this thing?"

Daniel peered at him over the top of his glasses, "I've never measured it."

"Got a ruler?"

"You need to measure the circumference," Daniel said as he rummaged through his junk drawer. "We need a tape measure, not a ruler."

"I'm sure Siler's got a tape measure."

Before Daniel could say anything, Jack was up and out of the room with the fertility statue firmly in his hands.

Daniel thought about calling Siler, but really it was much more fun for everyone involved if Jack just walked up to Siler with a giant prick in his hands and asked him to measure the circumference. He wondered if anyone had that in the pool affectionately known as the 'stupid thing Jack will do next' pool.

Daniel chuckled to himself and shook his head. No one would have thought of that one.

Daniel looked up from the chessboard in front of him and took the piece of paper Teal'c was holding out to him. He knew that it was a Red Meat comic strip. In the past three days, five different people had given him a Red Meat comic strip saying that an unidentified individual had emailed them with the instructions to give it to Dr. Daniel Jackson.

Honestly, Daniel was starting to get worried about the gullibility of the Air Force. Why on Earth would they do what some anonymous email told them to do? Did these people believe in chain letter karma or some crap like that?

"Where did you get this, Teal'c?"

"I received an email that instructed me to do so."

Daniel groaned and slapped the comic on the table, "Teal'c, you of all people are too smart to listen to something an email tells you to do. You wouldn't listen if the email told you to spend money to increase your penis length or something as inane as that."

"I have no need to increase my penis length," Teal'c intoned. "However, you are in need of a companion."

"Excuse me?"

"The email address is danielneedslovetoo@hotmail.com. I believe that someone is trying to win your heart, DanielJackson."

"With a demented comic strip about a man named Ted Johnson and his wife?"

Teal'c raised an eyebrow, "It is quite unorthodox though I do not believe you would respond to normal attempts to win your affections. You seem not to notice the many individuals on base who wish to engage your attention."

"I choose not to," Daniel said as he looked at the comic strip again. "Do you really think someone is trying to get me to notice them?"

Teal'c leaned over and read the comic again as well.

"It is either that or someone has a desire to have you call them Aquaman."

Daniel looked over at Teal'c irritably, "Do you even know who Aquaman is?"

"I have found that Sergeant Siler is quite knowledgeable about a genre of literature known as the comic book or graphic novel. Both he and I have received Aquaman #6 in the mail."

"Only you would call comic books literature," Daniel grumbled and shoved the newest strip in his pocket. "Make your move, Teal'c."

Teal'c just raised his eyebrow again and moved his rook, "Checkmate."

"Fine," Daniel pushed his chair away from the kitchen table. "I'll do the dishes, but next time I'm picking the game. You are going down when we play Scrabble."

"Dr. Jackson?"

Daniel didn't even want to look at General Hammond. Whenever someone stopped him in the hallway or came to his office to talk to him and said his name like that, he was handed a comic.

"Yes, sir?"

"I would like to talk to you about the very illegal email search you had Major Carter do," Hammond's voice was stern. "Would you care to explain yourself?"

Daniel's head shot up and he looked General Hammond in the face, "Illegal email search?"

Hammond sat down in the chair across from Daniel, crossing his legs and leaning back comfortably, "While on-base email usage is monitored, it is not wise to hack into the IT database to see what individuals are saying via email unless it is your job to do so. Is it your or Major Carter's jobs to monitor email?"

Daniel coughed, "No, but I can explain."

"Go right ahead," Hammond said with a bemused expression on his face. "I'm sure it will be quite enlightening."

"See someone has been giving me comic strips ever since I came back from vacation. Recently, people have been getting emails of this comic strip with the instruction to give it to me. I have close to one hundred of these strips, General! Some airman I've never seen in my life gave me one while I was at a urinal yesterday."

"I still don't see why Major Carter hacked into the email monitoring system."

"Because I think someone on base gets the comic in their email and thinks it's funny to do this," Daniel crossed his arms over his chest and frowned. "And Dr. Fraiser doesn't know anything about it."

Hammond chuckled, "Oh, I see. If Dr. Fraiser doesn't have the scoop it must be some big secret that can only be found by risking a court-martial."

Daniel paled, "Sam's not going to be court-martialed, is she?"

"No," Hammond shook his head. "But I suggest you not involve her in this anymore and instead start to think about who you have yet to receive a comic from. Perhaps that will narrow the search down."

"That's a lot of people," Daniel protested. "For example, I haven't gotten one from you."

"Actually," Hammond reached into his pocket and handed Daniel a piece of paper. "You have. Cross me off the list, Dr. Jackson."

Daniel's jaw dropped and he just stared at General Hammond as he walked out of his office. Oh yeah. This was definitely an inside job if General Hammond was actually following the email instructions.

He spared a glance at the comic before putting it in the drawer with the others.

Maybe he would get lucky and his secret admirer would slip up and call him Action Jackson. If it was anyone but Jack who said it, Daniel had his admirer caught red-handed.

"Hey there, Action Jackson."

Daniel reached his hand up, glaring at Jack's grinning face, "Shut up and help me out of here."

"That was a nice jump," Jack said as he grabbed Daniel's hand and hauled him out of the pit he hadn't managed to clear. "Too bad you jump like a girl."

"It's throw like a girl," Daniel grumped, wiping the dirt off his BDU's. "And I slipped."

"Sure you did."

Daniel scowled and crossed his arms over his chest, "Go on. You jump it."

"Nah," Jack crossed his arms as well. "I'm not trying to impress the guy wearing the shrunken head necklace."

"I'm not trying to impress him," said Daniel. "I'm trying to secure us rights to their naquadah mines."

"By jumping over a pit?"

"I'm proving our strength and daring."

"Looks like you're falling on your ass to me."

Daniel ignored him and walked back to where the chief of the tribe was standing with a bemused expression on his face. He made a gesture towards the pit and Daniel groaned. He was going to have to jump again.

Daniel was starting to wonder if there was going to be a swimsuit portion next.

Sam reached for the carton of mixed Chinese vegetables, her elbow brushing against Daniel's container of sweet and sour pork. He pulled it out of the path of danger and set it on the side further away from Sam.

"Are you sure you don't want any of these?" asked Sam, holding up the carton.

"I told you," Daniel popped a piece of pork in his mouth. "I'm eating like crap tonight. Give me pork, peanut butter, and scotch."

"Ugh," Sam made a face and poured the rest of the carton on her plate. "I'm going to pretend that you didn't just say that."

Daniel chuckled and chewed on another piece of pork, "Those annoying comic strips have stopped being shoved on me all the time."

"I guess your secret admirer got bored," Sam reached for the pile of comic strips on the table. "Did you save all of them?"

"Yeah," Daniel admitted. "I just wish I could figure out who it was. They went to a lot of trouble just to make my life frustrating."

"Too bad Action Jackson isn't interested."

Daniel turned to her slowly, "What did you just call me?"

"Action Jackson," Sam held up one of the comic strips. "Ted Johnson called the priest Action Jackson in one of the strips."

Daniel grabbed the strip from her hands, "Jack."

"What?"

"It was … oh hell," Daniel stood up, accidentally knocking his chair over. "I have to go. Finish dinner. I'll be home later. Lock up if you leave!"

Daniel grabbed his coat and car keys, waving a quick goodbye to Sam as he ran out of his apartment with the comic strip clutched in his hand.

Daniel shoved the comic strip in Jack's hand the moment the door opened, "It was you."

"Excuse me?" Jack didn't even look at the comic strip. Daniel pushed past him and walked into the living room. "What's going on, Daniel?"

"You're the one who has been sending me those comic strips," Daniel said as he walked into Jack's kitchen and got two beers. "You called me Action Jackson on the mission the other day. When I fell in the pit."

Jack was smirking when Daniel came back with the beers, "Took you long enough."

"People think that I have a secret admirer because of these things," Daniel handed him a beer. "And all along it was just you."

"What if I was your secret admirer?"

"Not much of a secret to me," Daniel grabbed Jack's shirt and pulled him close, pressing his lips to Jack's, "I don't need you to be my secret admirer. I already know where we stand which is why I never suspected it was you. Too obvious."

"Sometimes the obvious answer is the right one, " Jack laughed and pushed Daniel away gently, "I have one more for you."

Daniel watched as Jack walked into the den. He sat down on the couch again and took a swig of his beer as he waited for Jack to return.

"Here you go," Jack said as he flopped down on the couch next to Daniel. He handed him the last comic strip. "I've been saving this one."

Daniel set his beer on the coffee table, turning his attention to the comic strip. If Jack was saving this one, it had to be good.

Daniel lowered the comic and saw Jack's grinning face.

"So," Jack grinned and took a swig of the beer before setting it on the table. "Want to go on naked patrol with me?"

Daniel put the comic on the table and moved to straddle Jack's lap, "Can I spank you with a hand puppet and call you Aquaman?"

"By Neptune," Jack let Daniel cup his face and kiss him deeply. "Time to take off my aqua pants."

Daniel just laughed and kissed him again.

Disclaimer: Stargate SG-1 and its characters are the property of Showtime/ Viacom, MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, and Gekko Productions. I do not own the characters and indeed am only playing with them for a little while. Jack and Daniel belong to each other. I am not making any money from this and I'm still paying for everything I own so there's very little point in suing me. Red Meat is copyright Max Cannon. I am also not the owner of the comics embedded in this fic.

This is for Destina's birthday. Yes, it's very late. Huge thanks to Widget and Dayse for the beta.

Happy Birthday, Destina!