Anger coursed through his body and he had to physically restrain himself from reaching out and pushing the TV monitor over.

Damn cocky kid. He would have four other guys dancing with him.

For some reason, that hit JC the most. The fact that there were four other guys out there with Justin and they weren’t Lance, Chris, Joey and himself.

JC didn’t know exactly where all this anger was coming from, but the instant Justin started his VMA performance, it had sprung up. He was amazed at the intensity of it, hadn’t really expected it. The moment Justin had told the rest of them he was going to be doing a solo album; sadness had been JC’s main emotion. He felt like the group was falling apart and there was nothing he could do about it. An ache had settled in his chest all those months ago and it hadn’t subsided. He had never expected to get into show business and then there was the MMC. Then he had never expected to actually make a living with the one talent he was surprised to possess. But he had. And along the way, he had grown used to it. The group. The ability to sing in public. The lifestyle. Everything.

Sometimes it was hard, but, for the most part, JC loved his life. And now it was all going to change.

Change was one of the dirtiest words in the world, JC thought to himself.

 He should be happy for Justin. And a small part of himself was happy for the kid. But a larger part was resentful, sad, and, yes, angry.

So, as he stood there, backstage at the VMA’s, he tried to look nonchalant while watching Justin’s performance. He tried to ignore Chris’s look of part pride and nostalgia while he watched Justin. He tried to ignore Joey’s look of concern aimed his way. He basically tried to ignore everything around him. But he couldn’t ignore the video monitor in front of him.  

He had to hand it to Justin. He really was fucking good. Justin was born to perform. To sing. To dance. That’s all there was to it. And JC knew he would never be that good. Or that noticeable. And for the most part, he didn’t have a problem with it. He was comfortable with himself for probably the first time in his life and he didn’t want to be Justin. 

But that didn’t stop the anger from filling up inside of him. Clouding his heart.  He needed to control himself though. Justin would be backstage in another minute or two and then they had to go present the award. He needed to be cool, nonchalant. And he would, dammit.  

And he was fine until Justin came running by, going towards the towel and water waiting for him on the chair behind them. He looked like he was coming off the biggest high of his life. He had never looked happier.

And JC was never angrier in his life.

He quickly mumbled congrats and headed towards the stage. He waited there for the other guys and ignored the “Dude that was fucking awesome” comments from Chris, and the good-natured ribbing from Joey. Yah for Justin, he thought morosely to himself. Yah for the fucking kid wonder.

 

 

*** 

JC grumbled underneath the covers when he heard the knocking for the third time.

Dammit, who could it be at 2 in the morning?, he thought to himself.

He threw back the covers and got up out of bed. He stumbled over to the door and fumbled for the light switch, so he could see. The light momentarily stunned him and it took him a few more seconds to actually answer the door.

Chris stood on the other side and didn’t look like he was in a very good mood.

Well, that makes two of us, JC thought.

 “Can I help you Chris? I have a flight to Orlando at 8-tomorrow morning. So, I need a few hours of sleep. This had better be important.”

Chris got this look on his face that JC had never seen before. It was a mixture of pity; fury and something else JC couldn’t quite place. Either way, it sent a shiver down his spine.

 “Look, why don’t you come inside the room at least? We’ll sit down and you can tell me what’s pissing you off so much apparently.”

Chris pushed past him and made a beeline for the couch in the front room. He sat down, crossed his right leg over his left knee, and then switched legs. He would only stay in a certain position for so long before moving again. Finally, he just decided to stand.

 “What the fuck is your problem, C? Please, explain it to me. Because I’m getting a little tired of your fucking attitude.”

JC flinched at the tone in Chris’s voice, but quickly composed himself. What the hell gave Chris the right to talk to him like this?

 “I don’t know what your deal is, but it’s not my problem. I haven’t done anything to you recently that I know of, that would piss you off. So, you had better be a little more specific.”

Chris looked sad for a split second, but then the fury returned.

 “No idea? Come on JC, you’re smarter than that. But okay, if you need it spelled out for you. How about this.  VMA’s. Podium. Look of disgust and annoyance on your face. Most of which was directed towards Justin. Does any of this ring a bell?”

JC walked over the desk near the window and sat down on the chair there. He was trying to compose himself, so as not to go off on Chris.

 “Chris…” JC sighed at first but continued.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t Smiley Guy that night. It’s not like Justin noticed anyway. It wasn’t personal. I just…was in a bad mood, that’s all. Jesus, you came all the way to my hotel to yell at me about this. Why? Did Justin say something?”

Chris stopped his pacing to look at JC.  

“No, he didn’t. But I could tell he was worried about you and your attitude that night. But you know J. He won’t say something unless it’s dragged out of him first. I came here myself to find out what the hell is up with you. So, start talking. What’s up?”

JC stared at Chris for a minute or so. Then, he stood up and walked over to where Chris was standing.

 “Look, Chris, I’m not trying to be rude. But the thing is, it’s none of your goddamned business, okay? Whatever problems I have concerning Justin are between Justin and myself. It doesn’t involve you.”

The dark look in Chris’s eyes startled JC for a second, but he held his ground. He wasn’t going to back down from this. It was too important.

Finally Chris responded,

 “You do what you feel like needs to be done. But I hope you don’t think that this will solve anything. Don’t go down this path too far C. You may not be able to get back to who you are.”

With that final cryptic note, Chris turned and left the room. Leaving a perplexed and slightly worried JC behind.

 

***

 

JC cursed out loud when he heard the doorbell for the fifth time. Having almost drunk himself into a stupor, all he wanted to do was sleep it off. But the person at the door wouldn’t let him.

Stumbling to his feet and rubbing a hand over his unshaven face, JC proceeded to walk towards his front door.

Opening the door, he found Chris standing on the other side. With a six-pack of beer in his right hand and a pizza in the other hand.

 “Hey C, thought I’d stop by. See how you were doing. Can I come in? Oh, okay, good.”

Stepping inside before JC could formulate a response, Chris was already to JC’s kitchen before JC could shut the door.

 “What are you doing here Chris? I thought the whole point of this hiatus was so we could do things on our own. Besides, the last time we talked, it wasn’t exactly friendly.”

Chris was placing the beers in the fridge and after shutting the door, turned to JC standing in the doorway of the kitchen.

 “Can’t a guy show up on his friend’s doorstep, just because? I mean, really, there are just some things that are sacred in this world. Things you don’t mess with, you know?”

 JC eyed Chris balefully.

 “You know, I’m the drunk one here and yet you are the one who isn’t making any sense. That’s just sad, I think.”

Chris chuckled briefly and nodded his head.

 “Look, can we talk? Have some pizza, sit on the couch, and have a beer?”

Chris looked JC over from the top of his head to the top of his feet.

 “On the other hand, maybe I’ll just have the beer and you can have some water. I just want to explain, if you’ll let me.”

 JC was tired and cranky. He didn’t want to deal with Chris right now, but the small voice nagging him, in the back of his head, wouldn’t let him kick Chris out of his house.

 “Okay, Chris. Let’s talk.”

He headed over to his couch and moved the pillows out of the way so Chris could sit down.

Chris brought over the pizza and set it down on the coffee table. He pushed the bottles of vodka out of the way and placed his beer down on the only coaster on the table.

 “Enjoy your party of one there, C?”

 JC glared at Chris and leaned back on the couch.

  “Chris, just say what you want to say and then you can leave. I don’t have time for chit-chat, k?”

Chris just leaned over and got a piece of pizza from the box. Chomping into the cheesy goodness, Chris looked over at JC.

 “You look like shit, JC, you know that, right?”

That was the breaking point for JC.

Sitting up and turning towards Chris, he yelled,

 “Fuck you Chris. You come over to my house unexpectedly, barge in, try to initiate some sort of bonding experience, and then insult me. I didn’t want you here in the first place. I want to be alone. I am quite happy getting drunk and doing nothing. Okay? Is that all right with you? Because frankly, I could give a shit one way or the other. So, if you wouldn’t mind, just say whatever it is you think needs saying and then get the hell out of my house!”

Chris calmly placed his piece of pizza back in the box, took a sip of his beer and then said,

 “Why do you hate yourself so much C? I’ve never understood that. You’ve hidden it quite well for a long time, but ever since this hiatus started, you’ve been doing things to yourself, that if any of us did the same things, you would kick our asses over it. I know you’re pissed at J, but it’s more than that. So, here’s the thing, I’m not leaving until you tell me what’s going on. Because, fuck you, but I’m your friend and there’s no way in hell I’m leaving you like this.”

JC sighed and closed his eyes. Chris would have to be the one to notice. The one who wouldn’t let up until he knew exactly what was wrong.

He thought of all the things he could tell Chris. All the excuses, the white lies, the half-truths. But all that came out, when he finally answered Chris, was,

 “I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”

Chris looked worried and placed his hand on JC’s arm.

 “C, you know that none of us are against you, right? Including Justin. I know it kind of sucks that he’s doing the solo thing, but he’s not kicking us to the curb. You know he’s better than that. I know you probably think I’m biased, because we are usually the closest, but I can be objective too. You, of all people, should know that I would fight tooth and nail for this group if I thought it was being taken away from me. I haven’t seen a need for that yet. Is that what’s bothering you?”

He squeezed JC’s arm in support and JC missed the warmth of his hand when he removed it finally.

 “I know Justin isn’t playing us. I really do know that. But…it just feels like everything is changing and there’s nothing I can do about it. I hate feeling out of control. This group…it’s everything to me. I don’t hate myself, so much as that I don’t know what good I am for anyone, without the group. I know what my place is in the group. I feel important and…special in the group. If it’s over, I don’t know what my place is anymore. What good am I then?”

Chris’s look of surprise, pity and something else, something just a little darker, held JC in his place.

Then Chris leaned over and placed his mouth on JC’s chapped lips. JC, out of shock, opened his mouth a little, and Chris took advantage of that fact. His tongue snuck in and moved past JC’s teeth. JC grabbed onto Chris’s arms and held him in place. Chris tasted like melted cheese, fizzy beer and something else, something that was all Chris. The coldness that had been gripping his chest for days was suddenly replaced with toe-curling warmth. The little voice in the back of JC’s head was yelling up a storm, but JC told it to shut up and enjoyed the feeling of Chris laying on him, halfway, and the feel of his mouth against his.

The need for air suddenly became apparent, so Chris lifted his mouth from JC’s. They were both breathing hard and JC had left marks on Chris’s arms, from where he had been holding onto them.

 “Oh God, I’m sorry Chris. I didn’t mean to do that. Are you okay?”

Chris started laughing then. A deep, full chuckle that JC could feel inside his bones.

 “I could really care less JC. But, yah, so you won’t worry, my arms are fine.”

JC looked up into Chris’s eyes, which were filled with mirth and a banked desire, and he started to laugh too. They sat there, Chris still halfway onto JC’s lap, and JC’s hands resting lightly on Chris’s hips, just laughing for a few minutes. The tears came then and soon Chris was hugging JC while he cried out all of his frustrations for the past few months.

 After awhile, Chris sat back up on his side of the couch, still holding onto JC’s hands, while waiting for JC to compose himself.

“Do you feel better now, C?”

JC wiped his eyes and looked over at Chris. His mouth was swollen, his eyes were suspiciously wet and there were red streaks on his arms from where JC had gripped them earlier. All in all, JC couldn’t think of a more beautiful sight.

 “Thank you Chris. I don’t know what else to say, but that. So, thank you.”

Chris nodded and released JC’s hands. He stood up and picked up the pizza box. Heading for the kitchen, he turned around when JC asked,

 “Do you kiss all your friends who have been assholes to you Chris or am I just the special one today?

Chris bit his lip and finally gave JC a crooked grin.

 “Well, C, I guess that answers your question from before. You are special. And you don’t need the group for that.”

With that, he headed into the kitchen, leaving JC sitting on the couch, touching his mouth with his fingers. And wondering how he could show Chris just how special he was too.