September 9, 2002

OK, so I don’t know exactly why I have the urge to keep a journal, but I do.  Deal with it.

This has to be one of the coolest summers of my life.  There aren’t too many 30-year-old men who can rent an apartment on wheels and travel the country, stopping only when and where he wants to.  I get to do that.  I make my own schedule, invite only who I want to hang with, and drive the country acting normal (well, as normal as I am capable of acting anyhow!) and anonymous.

Awesome.  The whole summer has been awesome.  I drove from Florida, up north… even took a trip to Niagara Falls with some of my buddies.  We wrote tunes, smoked it up a bit and generally had a blast.  They even came down to Texas with me when I had to do that God-awful Miss Teen USA thing.  I was glad to have them with me, since JC and Justin were partying it up with Joey in NYC. 

I still haven’t seen Joey in RENT, by the way.  I will, though.  New York City is on my list of places to visit.  Again.

I did make it up there for the VMAs, and that was a lot of fun.  I got to see everyone… well, everyone except Lance, since he was down in Houston training.  JC, however, was the lucky bastard who got to stop for a NASA visit, and get the whole tour of the training facility.  Yeah, I’m a little jealous about that, too.

I took off again after the VMAs because I had promised friends I would drop by and take them camping.  My RV is equipped with Internet access, of course, so I try to keep track of the guys.  Justin is living it up with his solo stuff, which I fully expected.  The bullshit with Lance is getting out of hand, and I’ve been tempted to kick Krieff’s ass more times that I can count.  Joey is being Mr. Broadway, and doing a damn good job at it.  JC… JC is being… not very JC-like.

I found out about the Hamptons just like the rest of the Internet world, by seeing the pictures.  JC has always been pretty introverted, and generally avoids all of the grand parties since huge groups of people tend to make him nervous.  He has spent a majority of his summer partying.  It just seemed fucking weird to me, since we’ve all lived out of each other pockets for 7 years now.  I talk with him as much as I can, but he is notoriously bad about returning phone messages, and I rarely catch him.  Judging from the pictures, he’s probably been sleeping off a lot of hangovers.

And then there is the new girl.  I haven’t actually had the pleasure or meeting her yet, but she is apparently a model, and kind of young.  (Rumor has it – 18!)  OK, being as close to C as I have been, I can tell you that his tastes tend to favor boys more than girls lately.  It just seems weird.

Anyhow, I have to drive now.  I’ll write more later.

 

September 11, 2002

 

This has been a difficult day.  I made sure to call my family, friends and each of the guys and tell them all that I love them.  I’ve been avoiding the TV.  I don’t think I can watch the footage of that morning and keep myself together.  It is still too painful.

 

September 15, 2002

 

I fucking FINALLY made it back up to NYC to see Joey in RENT.  He was fan-fucking-tastic!  I was absolutely blown away.  I can’t describe what it was like to sit and watch Joey become Mark… and he really DID become Mark.  I was moved close to tears at points.  Joey is perfect for Broadway.  There are Tonys in his future, baby!

And it was fucking GREAT to see Joe again.  The baby is getting so BIG!  Kinda freaky, if you ask me.  (But good!)

My fucking Steelers are losing currently.  Bastards.  They better NOT let the Raiders beat them.  That would almost be as bad as getting beat by the Browns.  Almost.

Justin is a bit distracted right now with everything going on.  I can’t blame him…  I would be, too!  He took the death of that fan pretty hard, so we talked about that for a while the other night.  It is always scary when something like that happens to one of our fans.  We may not know them personally, but we do care.  I know he will take this and make it into something positive.  He always does.

Lance is a ball of aggravation right now.  Who wouldn’t be?

I finally nailed down C the other day, and kept him on the phone for more than 30 seconds.  He seems distant.  He mentioned singing with Tony the other night, and the work he has been doing with BT, but skirted any issues dealing with him personally.  I don’t get it.  It’s not like we haven’t always been able to talk to each other about shit.  I can tell something is bothering him.  Now I just need to get to the bottom of it.

I did ask him about his new girl.  He told me it wasn’t serious.  Hrm.

 The Sketcher party was kind of cool.  Made for a long ass trip to NYC though.

 

September 18, 2002

 

I had a strange dream about JC last night.  It was sort of… x-rated.  Oddly enough, it made me realize how much I fucking miss him.  There has always been awkwardness between us that I couldn’t put my finger on.  I still don’t know why it exists.  Out of everyone in the group, I think I know JC the least, yet I want to know him the best.  Justin teases me.  He says I have a crush on JC.  Maybe I do?

Somehow Krieff managed to fix everything and now Lance is BACK on the crew list.  Good, I don’t have to send Guido and the Family out to take care of business for me.

 

September 21, 2002

 

I’ve been traveling by myself this week.  I wanted some time to myself to think through things. I think all of us are having adjustment issues right now.  Justin is trying to get used to the fact that he is going to be this huge solo superstar.  Joey is getting tremendous praise on Broadway and knows that he has found his new home, but he doesn’t want to give up on NSYNC.  Lance is being Mr. Astronaut and not worrying at all about the future of NSYNC.

That leaves me and JC.

Now, JC really has nothing to worry about because he is one of the most talented people I know.  Not only can he sing the shit out of anything, but he can write and play, too.  He works magic in the studio, and has been getting requests to produce like mad.  But…  JC loves NSYNC.  He loves being a part of the five of us, and he is starting to see that there may not really be an NSYNC anymore.  Yes, Jive is telling everyone that we’ll have a new album in 2003, but…  Who knows?  There will be an album, but…  We all know it will be the last.

I’ve been trying really hard to call JC more often, and at times when I think I can actually reach him, because I know he needs to talk about it.  And, truthfully, I know I need to talk about it.  Out of all of them, I have the least solid plans.  I don’t see myself as a solo artist, and I can’t produce worth shit.  Fuman is no longer, so that won’t sustain me.  I really have no plans for what to do once this really is over.  Justin, Joey and Lance all tell me I’m full of shit when I admit my fears… but JC listens, and sympathizes, since he feels some of it to an extent.

Of all the things I thought would bring me and JC together, I for real didn’t think it would be this.  I’ve actually been thinking about going down to Orlando and inviting JC along on my adventure for a while.  I think he needs some time away from his new party scene.  He may not realize it, but he is losing himself.

 

September 28, 2002

 

Although I thought I would chicken out and not do it, I did go down to Orlando and kidnap JC.  Believe it or not, he was still in bed, with a bastard of a hangover, when I pulled the RV up through his security gate.  He protested, quite loudly, when I told him he was coming with me, but eventually gave in.  What can I say?  I can be damn cute, and I beg well.

He’s been really quiet, which I expected.  He spends a lot of time piddling around on my keyboard and guitar, or staring out the windows at the world passing by.  I am starting to see a little of the old JC come back though.  He gets excited about stupid ass shit, like he always has.  He made me stop in Kentucky because he wanted to see the original KFC.  He also decided he wanted to go to Cincinnati because Incubus was playing and he thought it would be cool to see them.

So, last night we went to Riverbend.  We parked the RV way out in BFE and walked with a crowd of fans to the venue.  It was one of those outdoor amphitheater type places, and turned out to actually be kind of cool.  Since we were obviously WAY out of our normal element, not a single person recognized us.  Of course, it helped that I looked like I was about to knock over a bank, and JC looked like a starving redneck trucker.  The crowd was surprisingly young, and JC had an anxiety moment when he realized how much pink glitter was in the crowd.  We were lucky enough to be beside a group of people our age that basically rocked out and had a good time.  They even bought us beer!

Today we’re heading to Cleveland because JC wants to go back to the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame, and I want to check out the Pro Football Hall of Fame.  I am so glad I brought him with me.  It’s been nice, and I do feel like I’m getting to know him again.

 

September 30, 2002

 

JC is pretty upset today.  His girl called and balled him out for leaving with me.  Being his usual absent-minded self, he sort of forgot to tell her he was leaving.  She was on a photo shoot in the Bahamas when he left, and he just didn’t think about it.  I told him if she was going to become serious with him that she would have to realize that JC sometimes let things get away from him, like, say, calling people!

He was silent for the entire morning, lost in his head.  When he finally started talking, he didn’t shut up, running through all the bad luck he had had relationship-wise since the tour ended, including a short tryst with Tony that I hadn’t even known about.  He’s had it bad for Tony since MMC, so I felt for him that it didn’t work out.  His new girl was basically just a way for him to feel less lonely, but he knew he would never love her and felt guilty because he had basically been using her. 

He then admitted that he hadn’t felt right since the tour ended.  He said he felt this void in his life, like he was living half of a life, instead of a whole one.  It made very little sense to me at first, like most of JC’s explanations, but the more I pondered it, the more sense it made.  I guess I had been feeling it, too.

We both have grown to love and rely on the band so much that we really don’t know what to do without them.  Without them, we’re not whole.  It makes plenty of sense.

 

October 8, 2002

 

Dude, my birthday is next week.  Ugh.

JC broke things off with his model friend a few nights ago.  He told her that he could never be the man she expects him to be, so he wouldn’t lead her on any longer.  I thought it was very brave of him, so he and I got completely shit faced in celebration.  Although we had planned on leaving the mountains and heading for the Hoover Dam, we never left the camp area.  It was good though.  We got to bond, and bitch about women, which is always a fun thing.

It was even worth the awful fucking hangover the next morning.  It took me 6 hours to be un-nauseous enough to drive the damn RV!

Justin is starting to get really nervous about the album release.  He really has nothing to worry about.  He will rule the fucking charts on Nov 6!

 

October 19, 2002

 

Oh man.  Where to even start?  

We saw the Hoover Dam, which was as amazing as it is every time we see it.  JC stood and looked over the edge out into the gorge below for what seemed like hours.  I stood back and watched JC for equally that long.  His hair is getting really long now, and I couldn’t help but watch the wind lift it around his face.  He is a beautiful, stunning human being.  No doubt about that!

Which brings me to the issue.  I fucking fell head over heels, man.  Me.  Chris Kirkpatrick.  I am madly in love with my best friend.  JC went from a practical stranger that I spent 7 years working with, to the person I want by my side each and every damn day.  I can’t at all explain it, but I feel it.  I find myself looking for ways to touch him, and be close to him.  He tends to be clueless, so I didn’t think he was picking up on my signals.

My birthday.  We spent that along the coast in Northern California.  JC had suggested LA, where we could party and be wild and crazy, but I didn’t want that.  All I wanted was JC, a quiet night, the ocean and maybe enough balls to tell JC what I was feeling.

Sometimes I don’t give JC enough credit.  He spends a lot of time in his head, acting aloof and being generally clueless.  What no one realizes is that he sees a lot more of what is going around him that anyone thinks he does.  All of those signals I had been giving off?  Yeah, well, he read those loud and clear.  And told me so, as we sat and watched the sunset over the Pacific.

Now, I can be calm and I usually handle any weird situation with humor and my own flavor of grace, but I had absolutely no response to that.  I couldn’t read him, either.  I couldn’t tell if the knowledge absolutely disgusted him, or if it maybe, if I was lucky, intrigued him.  I hadn’t told him because I really couldn’t understand what a guy like JC would see in a guy like me.  We were about as opposite as two people could be, and although we definitely loved each other, I didn’t see JC with a man like me.  I saw JC with someone beautiful and perfect.

What he said next blew my mind.  He told me he hadn’t had time to buy me a birthday gift, so his words would be his gift.  And he started to sing to me…  a song I had never heard.  I don’t remember the exact lyrics… something about waking him and saving him and that he wanted to see the daylight… It was the final line that stuck though.

“Come on, let’s fall in love.”

I told him it was too late.  Waited.  Watched his face fall.

Then I told him I already had.

I never in my entire life thought I would experience what I experienced with JC that night.  I’m a 30-year-old Mega Pop Star.  I’ve had incredible sex.  Lots of it, in fact.  But, holy shit.  I can’t even put into words what it was like with JC. 

No one has ever been so gentle and loving with me.  No one has ever covered my entire body with kisses, caressing me and taking his time.  I have never made love until the sun came up.  Being with JC made me wonder if I had ever really even “made love”.  All of the love and beauty he holds inside of himself, he gives wholly to the person he loves.  He gave himself to me on my birthday, and it was the most incredible gift I had ever received.

So…. Here I am, Chris Kirkpatrick.  Head over fucking heels in love.

 

October 24, 2002

Chris, I love you.  Like, really love you.  You made me whole again, and helped me see the daylight.  Thanks for letting me read your journal.  When you get this, find me and I’ll make it worth your while! 

XOXOXO,

Me